Attempts to sooth the soul

Many a person over the years has tried- both successfully and unsuccessfully, to get rid of their inner demons. Those who are successful are deemed artists, those who are not are call dreamers at best and lunatics at worse. But where exactly resides that line on which two worlds collide? Does somebody know? Is somebody fit to tell? Who's to say that those deemed lunatics are not just successes on the making? Who says that those who claim to be just a tad bit crazy are not just as crazy as those that had completely lost it? Maybe, and bear with me here…everyone is as crazy as the one before and the next one could possibly be. Maybe at the end it's just that some have mastered creating a façade of calmness and collection while others don't bother going through all that trouble. Perhaps we all have demons…it's just that some people have demons more toxic and difficult to ignore than others.

Not Sorry…a chapter from the Shadowlands

Being truthful, even to myself, was not something I could afford this day. Because doing so would entail accepting things that I wasn't ready yet to recognize. But at the same time I was not up for playing the gullible act. The role didn't fit me well, anyway.

At the moment, I found myself staring at my faraway lake. I was still inside Lexington's body but my soul was drawn here; perhaps it was looking for its comfort zone. A familiar place. Yet, not even the majestic view of the crystal clear waters helped clearing my thoughts. And today they were troublesome.

My hands found some pebbles on the sides of the lake of their own accord… Just like they always did when I was nothing but a child. After the Council punished me for whatever reason it was that day, after they left me to drown in my own blood…I licked my wounds by coming here…not to think. Just to be. And most of the time, it worked.

Throwing pebbles at the lake made me feel like a normal child. Of course I use the term loosely. But that's how I felt, nonetheless. You see, I remembered seeing once Iris, a sister from the sisterhood of Soha who died many years ago now, playing with her young. She taught her how to pick the right pebbles at the sides of the lake and how to throw them best.

I saw it all while hidden from view in the bushes. I felt the sting of remorse for prying in such private and personal moments, but at the same time I felt curious about what their relationship was all about. I couldn't peel my eyes off from the easiness between the two of them. With each passing moment I spent there, silent but watchful, my confusion only grew. There was no clarification to my questions. Filled with resentment, I noticed the differences between the treatments Iris's daughter received from the ones I did. Which made me wonder why wasn't I treated the same way Iris's young was? What was so wrong about me that something so little as a place where to feel safe…not even loved, just safe, couldn't be bestowed. Why did they keep beating me? There had to be a reason. Nobody did things like the ones they did to me for no reason. They only explained to me that it was because I was an animal, but I knew what a beast was like and I didn't think I was one. My childlike mind couldn't comprehend it.

So, every time they punished me, I came here and pretended to be normal. I pretended I was cared for…for awhile. But then, I thought that pretending did me no good because at some point I would have to return to that reality I loaded so much.

One day, I finally understood why they saw me like a beast. So I became what they wanted me to be. I accepted my true "nature" and then even they feared me.

Subsequently, I started coming here for different reasons altogether. I didn't come here to pretend being normal anymore. I came here because I felt more like home when surrounded by animals of the forest than when surrounded by people that, in essence, looked more like me. I felt safer with animals that didn't pretend to be any different than what they really were than with hybrids or humans that behaved worse than animals ever could.

Detaching my mind from my memories, I threw the pebble I had in my hand. The little rock leaving traces in the waters until it finally sunk.

I should have been looking for Lexington but the idea didn't appeal me that much. So I stayed here, watching blankly the waters until nighttime fell on me.

I heard some footfalls from someone approaching close behind me; I closed my eyes and wished for the person to disappear. And if making him disappear was too much to ask, making him mute was fine with me. You see, I didn't need of the bond to know it was Ashlan. I always knew when he was close.

I had another pebble in my hand; I began to tighten my grip on it until my fingers turned white from the pressing. I mused with the idea of throwing the pebble at Ashlan but that would have childish…satisfying, but ultimately childish.

His breathing was even. He stopped walking when he stood at my side, without looking at me. I kept my eyes fastened on the lake.

"Lexy is with Charu." His voice interrupting the quiet there was.

I nodded, the only acknowledgement that I did hear him.

When I said nothing else, he turned towards me, "Aisha, I have come here to speak with you."

I eyed him out of the corner of my eye, "I would tell you to leave but you wouldn't listen. Then again, I am not the boss of you. At least not today."

He bowed his head lightly, recognizing his own words. With amused expression, he said, "I am glad to know that the point hit home."

My nostrils flared. How dares he! Snapping my neck back, I glared at him. "And since the both of us can agree that you have made your point known, I'd say it's past time for you to take your leave."

Narrowing eyes but not backing up in the least, "Huh, seems to me, that some things are still unclear."

I turned my whole body towards him, "Listen carefully. Touch me again and it will be the last time you ever use those hands of yours."

He smiled, "Who said something about using hands?"

I forced myself to not react to his comment. "Don't you ever get tired? I sure am. What do you want from me, anyway? I am freeing you of your duties…of me. So. Why do you keep coming back, Ashlan?"

He smiled sadly. "I came here to apologize."

I crossed my arms, not believing his words for one second, "If that's for what you have come for then allow me…"

He closed the distance between the two of us. He was close enough to try and kiss me again. That single thought shut me up. He raised an eyebrow, "I am not finished yet. Like I was saying…I came here to apologize because I forced that kiss on you. And that was wrong of me. But at the same time, I must say that I can't bring myself to regret it because no matter what, I was with you. It didn't start the way I envision it but it sure ended much better than what I have hoped for." His words low and measured.

I blinked. I felt like he had slapped me across the face. Twice. "That's not an apology at all. You don't feel sorry. Not even one drop of guilt. What kind of man are you?"

My sudden anger at his words infuriated him, "Pray you never come to know the answer to that." He growled back.

I wanted to hurt him, to make him flee. Just like he made me run from him this morning. No, that's not right. I didn't run. I walked fast and purposely away from him. Not the same thing. "Silly of me. You are not a man…at most, only half."

He winced at my pointy words like if they were a physical blow. "I will make a promise to you. Right here, right now." He passed his tongue over his white, straight teeth, "I will only kiss you again when you ask me for it. And. Nicely. You'll have to ask me nicely."

I snorted, "Hell will freeze before that comes to happen."

Lopsided smile covering his features, "Like always, you didn't let me finish, mistress. And about your comment…it will happen, I have no doubt." His stark confidence made me wonder if he, in fact, was a seer. Well and if he was, it was a good thing I was not a believer.

He exhaled deeply, "Regardless of how low you think of me, I will honor my promise. But… if you ever call me by any other name besides Ashlan I will take it as an open invitation for me to kiss you senseless." His smile was full of promises he wanted to see through.

I cringed at his evil expression, "You wouldn't dare, you…"

He didn't let me finish, stepping closer still, "Try me and will see. And by all means…I really mean it… when I say try me." His hungry eyes glued to my lips.

I tilted my head taking in this new Ashlan, "Is this your way to tame me? With lusty words? You think that with kisses and stupid threats you'll get my respect." My tone mocking his puny words.

I saw something flicker in his eyes but it was gone the next second. Before I could put a name to it. Straightening, he stood up to his full height. Shrugging nonchalantly, he said, "Maybe it will and maybe it won't but it'll sure prove interesting and entertaining as hell."

I raised my chin and tilted my head back, looking at him over my nose. I wanted to look down at him but since he was taller than me when I was in my own body and now that I was in Lexington's he looked humongous, that I couldn't do. I picked at inexistent threads on Lexington's wardrobe, like if his threat didn't faze me in the least. "Do what you think you have to do. But know that I play by no one's rules."

He nodded solemnly. His eyes and stance made me think about a warrior that finds an opponent worthy of him; the adversary represented a challenge, of course, but one he would gladly take. Dropping his voice, he replied, "We all, at some point, dance to somebody's tune. Maybe this is your time." With that, he left me alone to my thoughts.